Being unproductive productively.
Returning to normality. Attempting to amid a crisis.
Biography of a nobody day 4. January 4th 2021.
Strange, yet, productive day. I always have a positive head on every second Monday as it is the day I pick up my daughter. Her mother and I have 50/50 custody and swap weekly at School pick up. On Mondays. This does make the opposite week, the week I don’t get to see her for 7 days, extra hard.
Either way, this week it's happy Monday. Well, it was for me.
Tried to get up early today. The waking up part of that process was not fun, since I had around 3.5 hours sleep after writing until 3 am last night, it still didn't stop me.
I am writing this at 00:52 am technically in the 5th, not the 4th. Which is becoming a habit. I am working my way earlier though and I have been super productive today... in some ways. I also didn't play any games today bar 20 mins of MarioKart with my daughter.
Ways in which I was productive:
I tidied the house, put out a load of washing and sorted Alex's bedroom and her Christmas toys. I created and published my website. This speaks volumes for WiX web developer tools actually as I have no experience working on a website bar SEO text creation for a Small Business a few years back.
Ways in which I was unproductive or dodging responsibilities:
My car brake pad crumbled this morning. There was a chance I could have called the garage and got it sorted before I needed to pick up my daughter but I avoided the possibility of being late to that and just ignored the car trouble. Now I need to borrow a car tomorrow so mine can be fixed. I was avoiding it because it felt like extra pressure and I don’t want to have to pay for anything.
If I actually felt like my brain was working at more than 20% its normal capacity, or my constant lethargy would kindly fuck off, I would actually just get my car on the car lift at the family farm tomorrow and sort it myself. I know that won't happen though so my local mechanic can make a few quid off me.
The other way in which I dodged some responsibility today was that I didn’t call and organise my counselling. I know I need it, it's glaringly obvious I’m not coping and I am a shadow of my former self mentally and emotionally. Facing it however, feels like I would be walking down a dark alley I don't know if I will make it out of. This is compounded by the fact I am pressuring the loved on who I accompanied to the doctors on the 2nd to sort their support network and recovery process and not following my own advice and sorting mine. I think I am actually scared.
I'm not scared of going in and bearing all to some stranger. I'm scared it's not going to help me and I have to live like my brain and emotions are caged behind a dirty glass window. Looking through my eyes without any clarity or sense of direction, purpose or drive ever again. I know that it is ridiculous to think that. Ultimately that's why I'm disappointed I didn't call up and sort it.
Relating back to the competition that I felt my life now lacked (Diary entry Jan 1st), I think the other half of that theory is that I’m now also lacking a plan. I don't know what I'm planning on in so many areas of my life. Do I want to stick to this career? If so, where do I push it too? as small examples.
I have always had a plan. Not a 1 year, 5 years or 10 years plan. Just a direction to head in. I knew I wanted to own a house before having a kid. I knew I wanted to earn enough to support the kid, have decent holidays and pay the mortgage. I think I forgot the next part. I have done all that. What do I want now?
Divorce can add a massive delay to you moving on emotionally, but it can affect you just as long financially. If it does its hard to move on or forget it, life just circles back to “finish this then you can move on”. But it still takes such a long time. Even longer when there are disagreements or children involved.
I think that has impacted my ability to plan into my future in a certain way because I’m still firmly stuck in the past in others (no choice of my own). I emotionally processed my divorce a long time ago. The scars are still here though. The financial impacts are still here too. Solicitors are not cheap, especially really good ones. The idea is that that saves you more money than they charge in the long run and that's true. But they are still expensive.
Maybe this is enough rambling for today. I am happy. My beautiful, intelligent and incredible daughter is snoring away in her bedroom next door and regardless of the darkness of my mindset that has seeped into the paragraphs above. I'm happy. I'm appreciative. I'm proud of her and therefor myself as a father. I know I will fall asleep happy, and that's a pleasant change.
I wanted to also write last night that I know when my daughter is here I wake up happy too. I then head an instant terrible thought that something terrible would happen. As if writing down that something good will happen makes something bad happen instead. I think that is another issue I'm having at the minute- an immense worry that something else will go wrong. I would count that as experience if I recollect recent events (which I won't get into now) but I am sick of no longer being optimistic. Or realistic even?
Regardless, I did wake up happy.