Writing is escapism.
Some of yesterday's lofty dreams (realistic self-expectations)... did not happen.
Biography of a nobody Day 2. January 2nd 2021
Well, I got embarrassed about wanting to exercise in front of my partner (with no reason at all) so thought I would do it when she went to bed. Which resulted in me not doing any.
I did, however, do a couple of hours painting and I have been proud of the writing I did yesterday, or the fact I have started doing it again at the least. I refuse to re-read as its likely non-sensical procrastination but at least I did it.
Today has taken a slight turn though as I am currently accompanying a loved one to the hospital for serious mental health concerns. I'm super proud that they can share how they feel with me and I hope my waiting here is a small bit of light in an otherwise dark situation to be in.
It has got me thinking. I'm going to be asking a lot of “why's” in the following section- but I know why. Why do we hide so many parts of ourselves from people? It's been said quite often that some of the happier and funnier people you know or see on TV are often the most troubled. Why is this? Why if it is known is it still hidden? Why is being honest and open about struggles seen as such as weakness by many and strength to a few?
There is a massive sickness that hangs over the world- where you have to pretend everything is good. The world pretends so many things.
The reason is everybody is trying to sell something- from a product to their lifestyle and pride. You are trying to sell that you are doing well, all that you have done has achieved something. You haven't wasted time. You haven't done the wrong thing. It doesn't affect you.
I think my writing is super negative now so I can be positive for the people that need it. I'm certainly not emanating the darkness of my writing out onto the people I'm around. But maybe then I am part of the pretend. I'm one of the pretenders. Would I start to feel better by sharing it? Or is writing the escapism I need so that I can be positive externally because I want to be?
Lots to think on. But today isn't about me. I'm here as a support and I need to stay positive, think positively and be optimistic. I can handle it, I am fine, they will be fine. Though I do wonder if telling them I feel the bleakness too would give them someone to relate to rather than rely on? Which do you need more? Which is better for you? Short term and long term I think the answer is different. But when the short term results of these feeling can be so serious you need someone as support. Then once the healing starts maybe you need understanding and some relatability.
I hope my brain figures it out, we will be here a while- the waiting list is massive.
We were there for 7 hours. Luckily the shop was open and I had my AirPods.
Got home and downloaded Wix to make a website on. Came up with some cool mini-quotes to include such as Games, Planes and Autobiographies. Going to get to work making a site and an actual blog tomorrow on the iMac as its sort of buggy and frustrating on the iPad and I am tired... it is 11:36 pm...