Welcome to disconnection.
Welcome to nothingness.
I didn't actually write anything for today on the day. In fact, even the following day all I wrote down for todays diary was 'Felt ill and emotionless all day. Struggled to do anything'...
Biography of a nobody day 23. January 23rd 2021.
I am finally filling in todays entry, Saturday the 23rd, on the following Tuesday. Three days later. That is how much out of my developing improvement cycle this day knocked me. I had not missed a diary entry until today since January 1st. I cant accurately describe how I felt all day, except to say I would describe myself as a blank canvas. I did not really take note of the time, if I needed to eat, if I needed to drink, what I looked like. I did feel ill at the same time, my throat was like sandpaper and my head like a hangover. I had a Lemsip and a couple of Strepsils for the throat and that felt better. How I felt internally though... that didn't change. Cuddling Alex gave me temporary emotional highs- by that I meant I actually felt more than blank.
I can see now, in retrospect, that it is days like that that can cost you a job. Days like that that can cost you a relationship. It is days like that that I never want again and if counselling helps I will do it forever if I need too. I know in the past, pre-covid, that if I had my daughter when I felt like that I would go see friends and feel better and she would have fun. Or, I would take her swimming, or to the river, or to run around on the family farm. Those things would help distract me and would keep her having a great time. Alex helped me through the day though and to be honest I cant really remember all that much.
Maybe it was the comedown from the counselling. Maybe it was after so many days feeling a little better my body reset a little. Maybe it was just to do with the strange temporary illness I had. It is gone and I will not allow whatever it was to destroy the progress I have been making internally. I also wont allow it to hamper my external progress any more than it already has. The diary had enough notes in it to complete the days. The exercise will resume. I will be fine.