My first counselling session.
Maybe this is what I have needed to properly engage in...
That is about all I expected from counselling.
Biography of a nobody day 22. January 22nd 2021.
I spoke to my mum in the morning which then lead to me upgrading her phone. Which then lead me to upgrading my brothers phone. Which then lead me to having to look for a new computer for my dad. Yep, the same computer I already sourced for him last week but has now sold out since he didn’t buy it when I told him too. This all helped my morning pass quickly which lead me to my 12:30 counselling session.
Counselling was really good. I answered the phone and immediately liked the councillors voice, I felt like I could tell them anything I needed too. I half expected a condescending type of encouragement, that is not how this felt. The questions started and I spoke about one thing after another. They asked, I answered. It was as therapeutic as people have said. They asked me about my childhood. They asked me about my relationship with my ex-wife. About my career. I talked for what felt like hours, and told them everything honestly. When they said any one of those things you have experienced could lead to you to how you feel... it made me... feel strong. I felt strong to have bore them all. Some for years. I let the pessimism melt away, the part of me that said they say that to everyone, and just basked in feeling strong for a moment. Not physically like I did last night, emotionally and mentally. The much more important parts of a person, true strength.
I am booked in every Friday for the foreseeable. They also recommended I perhaps have another month off whilst I get used to this process since work was a trigger it may not help me to resume right now. Or something like that.
I feel mixed right now. Similar to how I felt when my boss said I should take some time. Good at finally stopping needing to pretend I am ok and I am handling everything. Bad for not handling everything. Proud at seeking help. Ashamed slightly for needing it. The shame is the least important and most immature part of me so I find that drowning away more and more. I feel different. Maybe clearer headed than I was before the conversation- but that means I can see clearer the things that were wrong. I can also see even clearer though the great things I do have. Why didn't I start this earlier?
I decided on a takeaway tonight, I was strung out from counselling so, cooking was beyond me. I settled into a couple of episodes of a new show called Snowpiercer by Netflix. It's pretty good to be honest. Post apocalyptic show based on a train and a train based class system for the worlds survivors. The story is focussed on a member or two from each class and their need to either shake things up or keep it the same. Im sure you can imagine where this is going. There is definitely some Sci-fi fun added in so it has some interesting takes and at least it isn’t another zombie apocalypse. It is a re-telling of the film I believe. Which is likely a book.
Ok. Exercised, washed, teeth brushed and in bed by 12:30. That is actually amazing for me at the minute. My counsellor said sleep is a vital part of recovery and I know I already knew that. It takes a concerted effort to now get to bed early whilst still feeling like I need more hours in the day. Part of the feeling of wanting more hours is because I feel like I have wasted time. I also realise that through my happiest years, and when I have handled the most stress without struggle is when I have allowed myself a minimum of a good 6 hours sleep.
I am going to read until 1 to round the hour off, but, that is a massive improvement over getting in bed at 2:30 and gaming in the switch in bed until 3. Or writing until 3:30. Or just sitting overthinking myself into knots until first light. I feel better, like I am finally adding the lid back to my life.