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It felt good... to be angry.

I feel good. Yesterday was necessary for today to be better.

Biography of a nobody day 15. January 15th 2021.

I woke up around 8AM and let Rusty out of his cage for a wee. He went straight to his puppy pad and hadn't made a mess in his crate so I fussed him for nearly 5 minutes! Super proud of him already! I then fell back to sleep for almost an hour whilst Rusty played in the living room. I made some breakfast and ate that whilst watching a couple of the new episodes of Disenchantment on Netflix. I then, despite yesterdays disaster, turned my computer on and got back to writing. By mid day I had written up the diary entry for yesterday and got mid way back into the post I had lost. It isn't the same but thats ok. I am ok. Life... is good. I feel positive. Not about losing the post but that I had been able to make it and that I had actually felt anger for the first time in a long time. Not the horrible back burning sensation of not liking something that sits in the rear of your head like a headache, actual bubbling surging anger. It came, it went, it felt pretty good in retrospect.

It's 3pm now and I have finished the post. I only stopped occasionally to check Rusty was ok and that he had food and water, but other than that I have just been lost in writing which feels great. The post ended up being better in some ways that the original, so I can live with that. I have just realised that I didn't do the bins yesterday. Great. Now I am also remembering that I didn't hang out the washing yesterday either... Doing that now.

Washing done. I haven't had any lunch yet but I haven't felt hungry. Going to go for a shower then see how I feel.

9PM and it turns out the lack of hunger thing was perhaps just me being so into my writing. I got super hungry and massively over ordered a takeaway. Guess I will be eating some of that tomorrow. I spent much of the evening consoling a friend over a break up, another Covid nightmare. As always, what do you say? I know that when people tell me what I still have I feel worse not better, but telling me that I have been through worse (plus an example) does help me. I didn't then want to say loads of bad crap that had happened to her because that is just as likely to make her feel worse. What do you do?

I think the hardest part, but the healthiest part, of a break-up is coming to terms with the fact that the version of someone you have in your head isn't the same as the actual person. If they were the version that is in your mind they wouldn't be letting you cry all alone, they would be there by your side helping you feel better. Realising that the person in your mind never really existed helps. They were an ideal version, not the real version. This always helped me come to terms with a break-up and I rally pretty quickly. Perhaps learning not to put your partner on a pedestal in the first place is better but I don't think I really do that? I just tell myself they weren't who I thought they were if things irreversibly break down.

Strangely talking about, or thinking about the above didn't make me think about my divorce. I processed the break-up pretty quickly as the more pressing concern was the custody. I can look back fondly of memories we shared as a couple and not regret a minute of it as the relationship resulted in us being blessed with our daughter. There are times in the dark side of my mind when I remember arguments or how I felt sometimes but most of the time I have fond memories. I have chosen to keep it in my head that way in a large part because I want Alex to know she was born out of a relationship of love and happiness. I want to be able to talk fondly of her mother to her so she doesn't feel like she can't talk about her to me. I have kept picture albums, momento's and even her mothers wedding dress just in the case Alex wants it. I mean, that doesn't mean I haven't spoken about what my ex-wife was actually like when out of earshot of Alex, but for the most part it is in the past and it is private.

Ok. It is 4am now. Before you think 'moron', let me just say. I had a great day. After writing the above I played some games with the guys and actually felt like I earned it. They went to bed around 12:30AM but I just still felt really pumped and positive. I felt like a late Friday night treat of gaming until I fall asleep on the sofa was deserved. Let this be the one off not the norm anymore. Early bed tomorrow. I have been getting earlier bed times all week which is good, really trying to reset my sleep pattern to something healthy.

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