What triggers disconnection?
Today, which is yesterday to me now, wasn't a great day. I am writing this on the 14th.
I did not think I would find a picture that accurately described how I felt all day.
Biography of a nobody day 13. January 13th 2021.
There is no particular reason, it was just one of those days. The disconnect between what my brain was telling me I should be doing and what I actually did was so large that it has impacted me a day later.
The morning started really positive. I woke up feeling clear, happy, not even tired. On the way to dropping Bee at work, I came up with some great Business names for Dan who is at the stage of web development and needs a URL. I listened to some investment advisor on tips on how to grow your passive incomes on the radio on the way home. I got home with lots of great plans for what I was going to write. Great ideas, positivity, optimism. I sat down with my breakfast with my imagination going wild. Then I couldn’t get up. I couldn’t even find the energy to pick up my phone to write down how my ideas for more than a paragraph which took me ages (or write this diary entry). I just couldn't get up.
My body still went through a normal days routine such as feeding Rusty and entertaining him. Making myself food and ... I was about to say having a shower and washing the pots. But I didn’t do that. I didn’t wash the pots or have a shower. I still haven’t exercised since promising myself I would do it EVERY DAY on January 1st. Pretty sure that is written in the diary so I can't even pretend I didn’t. I am 2 weeks in now. Where has that time gone?
I am realising today that yesterday is the mid-week away from Alex. Where the excitement of having her around me last week is dissipating and the excitement for next week isn’t building yet. It is a little now. I obviously feel better today because I have got home from dropping Bee off and immediately started writing- even before eating any breakfast.
Bee messaged me in the afternoon and said she would be late home as she had missed her normal bus. This gave me an excuse to improve my day and actually do something productive, so I offered to go and pick her up. I decided to make her happy that I would take Rusty with me and surprise her so she could cuddle him all the way home. I got his travel bag and sat him in the passenger seat and set off. Taking him was a mistake. He does NOT like that bag, or maybe travelling in a car? Or maybe the noise of the window-wipers? No idea. Either way, he was yelping for most of the 30-minute drive to Bee’s place of work. He also managed to open the bag more than once which I only noticed when he started to wander around the vehicle or tried to climb on me (much to my surprise). When I got to Bee she was super excited to see him and immediately picked him up to show her colleagues who hadn’t gone home yet. She then treated us to a Subway on the way home as thanks for me picking her up. Chicken, lettuce, onion, bacon, mayo. Footlong toasted with cheese. Surely I will feel nothing but amazing for the rest of the evening?
I just felt distracted. It was nothing in particular and then everything at the same time. Why hadn’t I done anything today? Maybe I needed time to relax? Maybe I am nervous about work? Shit... now I am thinking about work. The other guy left last week that means even more pressure for me when I return. I still haven’t been able to sort out pickups or drop-offs (covid laws permitting) for Alex to nursery since their times don’t work great around my job as they are short-staffed but don’t want to hire anyone else at the minute due to covid even though they promised it would be sorted by January but who knew that covid would drag on so far it has delayed my settlement which has taken so long what about...
And that was the inside of my brain last night. Even when watching TV. When Bee asked if I was distracted or ok all of the above escaped me and I would say I was fine because I couldn’t really think of A thing distracting me. She went to bed and I started to game with the guys but I was agitated, distracted and then ultimately incredibly bad at the game. Loss after loss I decided to turn the game off feeling deflated. When you are down you spiral. I let Rusty out for a wee or poo, made sure he was warm in his crate then went to bed. Couldn't even find the energy to brush my teeth...