A whole month of Blogging!
This is quite an achievement for me and my mental health.
Biography of a nobody day 32. February 1st 2021.
Ok so 'made it' may be an overstatement but I am going to bask in my optimism and positivity whilst it is here. Today marks a few little internal achievements. By posting yesterdays post (Which I have only just done) I have reached an entire month of posts. That is massive for me. There are days where I have felt super low and didn't want to write. There were days where I thought it was pointless, I was forgetting why I was writing, and nearly just deleted the site. I am writing to process my thoughts. There were so many days where I was super proud I dedicated time to creating this site, posting on it, thinking about it, and mainly just having the clarity and sense to dedicate time to this type of recovery rather than self medicating with the TV and games Which wouldn't work in the long run. They may be escapism from my issues, but they are also escapism from my recovery. It may be hard, I may take a long time- But I am on my way and this diary is my personal documentation of how much better I feel now even compared to the start of January. My Mental Health Journey. Written day to day. Between the disconnection, the nothingness, the happiness and love, the normal days. It is all here to look back on and I am proud- even if I am the only person to ever read it. My autobiography of a nobody has begun properly and I will continue it. It is part of my routine and I love it. Everyone is a somebody to someone, I know that, but I feel I am pretty average in many ways. One of the crowd. I live month to month like most people, I work like most people, I have highs and lows like all people- and my diary is my example of how relatable we can all be. How we are all somebody to some one- but a nobody to a majority. I am cool with that- That is why I chose this name.
To today. A new month. I dropped Bee off and listened to this podcast on the way home. This encouraged me to buy some AMC entertainment stock too. Again, not much- but understanding just how dark this story is has really hit me.
I tidied up the remnants of my lazy afternoon and cooking yesterday, played with Rusty for a little bit then got ready for my eye test. I know how good I am feeling by the fact I didn't drive as close as possible to the opticians. I got on a coat, a hat, a mask... and I walked. It is only a 15 minute walk but the me from a week ago even would have seen the walk as too stressful. After walking I have no idea why. People keep to themselves, no-one knows I am struggling with my mental health. It is just... normal. I think a part of me felt because I had aired it to a few people that everyone would all of a sudden know. Perhaps look at me differently? Well.. Obviously they don't.
I forgot... somehow... that an eye test usually then results in you buying more glasses. I also forgot how bloody expensive glasses are. Apparently a lot of time at home in front of a computer instead of communicating with people directly at work has slightly degraded my vision- no wonder my glasses felt like they weren't helping. Well, the scratches don't help either. Or the loose arms. Ok maybe I cant just buy new lenses... Ugh. I also, strangely, still do not feel used to seeing glasses on my face- so the selection process begun... and continued for nearly an hour. In the end I had picked some sunglasses and text Bee to see if she would pop back in with me when she got home.
When I got home I had little over an hour before I needed to set off to pick up Alex from nursery... And I just decided I wanted to make the money for my glasses back. Dan, my friend who has started his ebay business this month whilst I started my blog, has sold loads of his old collectables to buy inventory for his store. I then Marie Kondo'd the crap out of my cupboards. My friend told me about this woman on Netflix who encourage people to clear their mind by clearing their house- the method is simple- look at your clothing, your collections, your whatever- as ask yourself 'Does it bring me joy'. If it doesn't- get rid. Well, I found some stuff to sell and got some of it online. My N64, controllers, games... the whole shebang. I am never going to play it- Last time I tried it was like putting on someone else glasses. Is it ever going to be displayed? No. Is it ever going to appreciate much more value. Meh. Sold. That wasn't the most surprising thing I figured I could let go of. I have actually decided to also sell my collection of Final Fantasy games... Yes... I can't believe it either. I looked at them and thought- Am I ever going to display you... no I am not. I actually saved them all (a massive collection of games, guides, models) for any potential kids I had. So they could love them too. I learned a lot from those games when I was a kid, they were friends when I needed them, they were lessons I learned. I mean shit, FF7 pretty much taught me how to read. I was behind in primary school and that game got through to me- to continue the story I needed to read. I realised when looking at them... that I have 7 and 9 on my phone... I actually have 7, 8, 9, 10, 12 and 15 on my ps4. Final fantasy 9 is easily my favourite and Alex can still play that without me digging out a ps1 and playing at 30hz. Or whatever it was. My TV doesn't have scart either... though I am sure there is a cable. Anyway- I decided it was time to let them go. Tomorrow I will put up my ps1, ps2, ps3, original xbox, xbox 360. All the games for the above that I will never play. My Ratchet and Clank collection. Kingdom Hearts collection. It can all go. It actually feels really freeing- and MAN do we need the space. Plus with the bids I have already received on Ebay for my N64 and the Final Fantasy collection my glasses have been paid for.
I got them up and bundled them back away and set off to get Alex from nursery. Literally the best part of any day is having my little girl shouting 'DADDDYYYYYYY' as she is running to me at the school gates- Especially after not seeing her all week!- Giving her a massive hug and asking her about her day. She is getting really good at communicating all the different things she does. So proud.
I picked up Bee from the bus stop on her way home and we went back to the opticians and she laughed out loud at two of my choices, I had set aside three pairs, and really liked the third. Glad I got her involved- I figured she looks at my face more than anyone else so she would have a good idea what suited me. By luck she also picked the cheapest pair- so all is good.
We watched The Lion King together after bangers and mash for dinner, and me and Alex sung along to it as Bee protested that my voice was terrible... Alex agreed. Alex then had a bath and a story for bed. Bee and I then watched an episode of a show called Alice in Borderland. You know what... it is pretty cool. It is a Japanese big budget show on Netflix about... a post-apocalyptic game show... I think? It is very stylised and quite funny- with elements of darkness in the brutality of it. The dubbing is good too though I usually prefer subtitles. A fun alternative show- Give it a try. I will review it at some point I am sure.
I actually got to sleep by 12. Very happy with that. Let's see how productive I manage to be tomorrow.